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Jan. 21st, 2013 @ 04:15 pm 3 year update, oops
Lets see.
My last LJ entry was over 3 years ago, the Job i was talking about only lasted a week, i was too anxious to attend work.
- Over in Perth my Grand-dad on father's side died. Cat died (Jim) :(. Got 2 new cats, 2 cats at once! :O
- Saw a new psychologist for a bit, who recommended i change to other antidepressants. So i just ended up taking nothing. I try to manage my depression/anxiety mostly with exercise thesedays, it's not a cure but i find that exercise is still better than any meds i've ever taken. It's still a bit of a catch22 though for those times when i'm too agoraphobic to leave the house on my bike, but it's never stopped me more than a few weeks.
- I then tried to see another psychologist, the last one was ok - but something i'd read online gave me high expectations that i might be able to find someone who was really perfect for me. Buuuut the next psychologist i saw was pretty terrible for me, and i still haven't seen a psychologist since.

Late 2011 i was getting my shit together somewhat, and making plans. In early 2012 i was setting my eyes more seriously on university, and tried to do a TAFE correspondence course to test the waters, started out ok but i hit a wall after a month. Started wondering if i had ADHD (inattentive type), did a few months of eye-opening research, soul-searching, heavy writing, trying to re-write my life-history with this new information. In Sept i felt i had collected & written enough, and had the confidence to see my old original psychiatrist (he's in a private practice now) and got diagnosed, yay. So i've been having fun with pills since then. It has helped, but it hasn't been the panacea i hoped for, i still don't feel like i can reliably focus enough to handle that correspondence stuff again, at the moment anyway. A useful tool though, it has changed a lot of things, but rather than just fixing everything instantly - it seems it has instead enabled some personal development pursuits which are panning out into improvements.
I guess it's like if someone wanted to lose weight, so their doctor treats their sore feet, then they gradually lose weight by being more generally active. It's a round-about fix, you still have to work for it, and it takes a while to arrive, but i'm already getting used to the improvements so far, and this train i'm on seems to be gradually rolling towards further improvements all the time. I think a lot of what's happening is a slow rebuilding of self-confidence, trying to tear down old hidden insecurities and fears of intellectual inadequacy.

Back in Feb2012 i built a nice new PC, in the plans that i could grab a Kinect and start messing around with some hacks. Of course i've mostly just been playing games on it, still haven't grabbed a cheap Kinect yet. It's been a while since i had a PC good enough to play modern games, it runs Skyrim like a boss. Have played a bit of PlanetSide2 too, i'd like to delve into the social gaming aspect of that.
A few weeks ago though i finally installed an Ubuntu virtual machine and ROS onto it. This is one of the avenues i've wanted to pursue eventually in university, i've been pretty interested in the field of computer-vision for over a decade now but have never really done much to pursue it. Until now.

A few weeks ago i watched Hank Green talk of his experiences living with a chronic disease, and it got me thinking about how comparatively terrible my own experience has been living with type 1 diabetes. I should change that. Diabetes is one of the reasons i hate going out; managing BSL readings, insulin, food, driving, etc has always been a hassle. I should get a new smartphone, and install some diabetes management apps onto it, graph more shit up. Which is a handy happenstance, because smartphone robotics is an exciting frontier atm which i'd definitely like to be a part of. It may mean i'll spend more on my phone that i should. >:3
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Longcat
Dec. 20th, 2009 @ 12:36 am (no subject)
A bit over a week ago i started a new job (last i worked was for that wholesale nursery, 2 years ago), at a company that contracts with Dell Computers to supply/upgrade/maintain businesses/corporations with computers. My uniform is now a polyester polo shirt that says "Dell Services", heh.

I notice i was really happy in my last journal entry, also i was all hyperactive when IM chatting with people online. I wish i knew wtf caused that. I was exercising a lot, but i still am, and I'd broken my arm but took it all in my stride. I remember still being quite happy even by the time i got my arm outof the cast weeks later. But i havn't rollerbladed much since then (after the arm break i'm subconsciously scared of them). Maybe it was just the buzz of getting the new car, that wore off after a few months?

Anyway that was 6 months ago. Now i'm working (fulltime too, argh) and i'm not really sure howto take it. I'm currently exposing myself to as much web articles/discussion and movies dealing with the topic of criticism and refusal of work and work/life balance etc as i can.
I'd like to work part time, but this company seems to be training me up to be mostly on the road dealing with clients, and i don't think that's the kindof thing they'd be happy with me doing that part time.

Oh, i've also been prompted to read up on the T/F difference with MBTI, or since the MBTI has fallen outof favour with me i'm instead reading about the "Agreeableness" factor of the Big 5 personality profile. Why? Because in this workplace i've been struck with how much i dislike the other men, and i'm eager to find some kindof psychological insight into the situation that will make these people more predictable.
These competitive, impatient, stressful people are rather alienating to me.

On the other hand this job is in my chosen field of expertise (InfoTech) and it is thus valuable experience i'll perhaps be thankful for in the future. But right now i feel too pressured to enjoy life, or improve my grasp of the enjoyment i'm lead to believe it holds.
When i was offered this job, i was seriously contemplating bringing my sole-operator I.T. business back up and running, and make a serious go of it. I was just starting to re-educate myself to get back upto speed, when this new job came up and i naturally accepted.
Now what i'd ultimately like is to continue working in this new job perhaps 2 days a week, and try to get my self employed I.T. stuff back up and running. Advertise locally, take call-out work fixing people's PCs at their homes, etc. Reap the financial rewards of being my own boss, and work at my own pace.

---------------

Oh, and here's a Big 5 personality profile i just did. I was surprised to come out as "Conscientious" (MBTI equvalent of a J). In the MBTI i normally test as INFP, so i thought i'd come out as "Free Spirited" in the Big 5, but no. Maybe it's not quite as similar to MBTI as i thought.

....
scratch that, the website's embed code doesn't work.
My type is.

Unfortunately i can't embed the full visual illustration, and i'm not even sure if this link will work. So i'll see if i can copy-paste some of it behind a LJ cut.
http://www.signalpatterns.com/profile/show/311176

Conscientious (not Free Spirited)
Emotional (not Stable)
Open (not Traditional)
Agreeable (not Independant)
Reserved (not Extroverted)



Read more...Collapse )


I'm not sure the picture in this embedded thingy is accurate (it seems to be saying now that i'm "Free-Spirited" instead of "Contientious", perhaps it's a generic image.
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8U
Apr. 11th, 2008 @ 02:13 pm touching base with LJ
Current Music: Amélie Soundtrack & Placebo
what has happened?


i went and got a job at a wholesale nursery. simple, physical and outdoors, should be good. but my anxieties didn't go away. so i gave it 11 weeks and then left.


i now have a new psychiatrist, my old one is having a sabbatical for a year (he's studying the visual daydreams of blind people). the new one is like, my age, really young. it's intimidating.
But he's really really good.
He's a Buddhist (last guy was Catholic), which is cool coz it's always been interesting.
And it's very handy as i think the best way to improve is to start meditating regularly, and he's supportive of that. Which should help me keep with it this time. I've tried yoga and meditation on and off over the past few years, and it's bothersome how i havn't kept it up.


i overintelectualise everything, which is not entirely bad, but it's a way to hide from fear. And i'm overwhelmed.
So i will try to quiet the mind. And not use it to hide.
Fear is a negative aspect of intuition and living in the moment, as it's something you feel wholely (ie: intuition) but don't want to.
I DO want to intuitively feel other things, that's why i love learning. So after quieting the stuff getting in the way, i want to allow my mind to explore again without that baggage.
It's difficult to know how deep this goes, even as a little kid i've always been one to intelectualise - to find the logic gaps and loopholes in rules (i hated rules). Has this intelectualising always been to hide from fears? i'm not sure.
everywhere i go there i am.
the freedom to be no-one.



i now have 9 text documents full of journal entries (i write there instead of here, it's quicker, they are right there on my desktop, when one seems too huge i start a new one next to it)
i want to post them here, incase my HDD dies and i loose them. i'm not sure whether to post them friends-only or private.
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8U
Aug. 16th, 2007 @ 05:02 pm international contacts
Current Music: ministry of sound
over the years i've collected around 120 people in my IM contact list, i rarely speak to any of them anymore but what gets me is that most of them live in other countries.

what the hell's the point in that.

mymymymymymymyMYSPACEmaymaymaymaymaymayMAYBE
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8U
Jun. 12th, 2007 @ 11:44 pm (no subject)
hahaha i'm posting on my online journal

ppl sometimes bug me about getting a myspace, i'm still not sure what is useful about myspace. maybe it's not for ppl who ask such questions

I have a little algae farm... in a huge bucket. it has a bubbler! i'm wasting time, but it's nice to watch something grow without you, i'm one of those dumb ppl that think fondly of farming as this amazingly relaxing lazy time where you do no work. my algae are eating bees, stupid bees. This is one of those projects that so far has not cost me any money, i have resisted buying anything (Bubbler was from our old fish tank from over a decade ago). My amazing green puddle.

Other nerdy things: compulsively researching RTGs ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radioisotope_thermoelectric_generator )

you know, as a youngin i used to know this kid who everyone thought was weird. Jeffrey. He used to always be super interested in ONE thing at any one time - the subject would always change but whatever that subject was, he'd talk about seldom anything else - the subjects lasted about a month each. He's talk about nothing but fishing, then he'd talk about nothing but 4x4 motorbikes, the weirdest one was Fire Extinguishers.... yeah, fire extinguishers.... *shrug*
Thinking back now he probably had Aspergers.

And that's why i'd like to find him and find out how he's going, how he handles it. Thesedays i tend to have this compulsive FOCUS on various subjects as well, nothing as weird as Jeffrey, but still - it's not normal. I hope he learned to harness it, i envision him being some eccentric but brilliant engineer.

So anyway, RTGs are awesome. They are like... batterys that never run out for over 100 years, carry over 1.5 million times more energy per weight than a Lithium-ion battery, coz they are powered by radioactive material. It's like a phone battery that you would never run out ever .
1.5 million times better than Lithium-Ion!! FUCK YEAH!

ahem...


(and i'm really sorry for not being around... i suck)
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8U
Apr. 8th, 2007 @ 05:05 pm (no subject)
woa, sup journal.

i havn't written in this for a while, i got into a habit of writing quick things in a notepad/wordpad document on my desktop instead. it's huge now.

what's been happening. as part of a more intensive support program i started going to an employment place called CenterCare where i chat with a guy one on one. and have started work experience at one of their offices.
the whole thing freaks me out, because he doesn't understand agoraphobia or social anxiety too well and i'm embarrased to explain.

ok enough
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Longcat
Feb. 24th, 2007 @ 02:11 pm (no subject)
The folks have gone on a 4 week trip in their caravan. So i sit here naked reading Hunter Thompson articles.

Will i settle into a pleasant groove? Will i be able to hammer the door hinge pins from the accidentally locked downstairs rumpas room? Will i remember... oh yeah i guess i just did: MS PAINT ADVENTURE, you must check this hilarity out.
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Longcat
Feb. 10th, 2007 @ 03:45 pm HUG SHIRT
Current Music: HUG SHIRT!
HUG SHIRT!

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8U
Feb. 7th, 2007 @ 12:41 am Gender associations
Tags: ,
while looking up some psych stuff i found an interesting combination of articles:
I Proudly Lack Ambition by 'moreanonymous', and Do Women Lack Ambition? by Anna Fels. Inbetween watching a re-run of the first episode of Heros.

Mix this up with some jungian personality typing. Note the masculine image associated with "ambition", with the Male ideal of the Jungian xxTJ type. The "I Proudly Lack Ambition" article was great in that it brought out a point until now i thought i was the only person on earth who thought: Ambition is generally at the expense of other people, when you rise above others, they must fall to make room because there's not much room at the top. As a young kid i can remember i avoided competition for this reason, i often prefered to do my own thing because i didn't want to upset anyone# by being better than them at something (and perhaps vice versa as well - to avoid my own jealousy towards them).

(# most likely my brother)

interesting sidepoints:
In ancient greece homosexual sex between males was considered demeaning for the bottom but (interestingly) not the top, because being sexually penetrated was considered demeaning. I wonder if this is because of a mirroring of traditional hetero sex relations - the female being penetrated - and therefore merely a cultural consequence of a patriarchal society, with the inherent chauvinistic viewpoint that everything being associated with the feminine is regarded as inferior to everything masculine.

Studys have found that homosexuality in males is slightly more commonly found in someone if he had an older brother. It's been suggested that this has to do with in-utero horomones but that's uninteresting. What i wonder is if it has anything to do with the ambition familys place onto their firstborn son, and the association between ambition and masculinity.
(example stereotype: the flying brothers in Heroes)

If a younger son feels that the ambitions of his older brother are more important than his own, perhaps - like the ancient greeks, and modern day women - he will associate this loss of ambition with a feminization of himself. And this will make the thought of being intimate with another guy more palatable.


something i'd really like to ask heterosexual guys en-mass, is if they have an aversion to the thought of being penetrated. ie: how much of their sexual identity is tied up not with just naturally displaying traits they regard as masculine - but with avoiding what they regard as feminine traits. I guess the question would be "would you let your* girl fuck you with a strapon?".
Also, i guess i'd ask hetero girls too, if they were using a dildo on some* guy how they'd feel about it.

(* isn't that interesting... i automatically add in that the guy would be penetrated by his trusted girlfriend - probabaly because trust is important when you're getting penetrated, but for the penetrator there would be no such fear for personal safety (or would there?). hmm, Rape discussion anyone?)

This is all based on the Kinsey/Klein theory that we're all somewhere on a bisexual scale. With %100 Heterosexuality on one end, %100 Homosexuality on the other end, and we're all somewhere inbetween with either extreme being rare. I recon insecuritys about society's gender expectations of us would effect the scale a lot - what would it be like without them?

no seriously, what would it be like without gender roles? I'm trying to figure out, if humans had only ONE sex - would we still take on feminine/masculine roles in a relationship? It seems that even homosexual relationships are divided into feminine and masculine sides - but is this just because of hetero conditioning? Is it just because that's how we define relationships between individuals and we know no better? Do any relationships exist anywhere without some form of psychological gender roles (oooh they could be so subtle)? If you got any 2 people, one would always be slightly more masculine or feminine than the other - it's a "how long's a piece of string" thing, you can't find 2 identical humans... unless. Ok now i'm trying to visualise an identical twin incest relationship, lol.
A study into the whole sub/dom sexplay culture would probably be fruitful.


Hah, and all i initially wanted was to read about the link between depression and "lack of ambition".
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Longcat
Jan. 26th, 2007 @ 02:49 pm dootdoodoot it's JJJ DAY
IT'S AUSSIE DAY
THAT MEANS HOTTEST 100 DAY
http://www.abc.net.au/triplej/hottest100/countdown/default.htm tune in online eh.
springrolls for breakfast/lunch, lol fuck you Sam Kekervich


ALSO NEW USERPICS

Ben sent me an email from his phone, a photo of a streetsign "Wanker street" (lolz). Where the hell is he 4x4ing - Toowoomba?

my youngest cousin is getting married. hah, always weird that when ppl that are so young (compared to you) get on with their lives. i mean how dare they! :D

best idea ever from JJJ... put alcohol in sunscreen containers - genius.
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Longcat